How would you fix a broken bird?
With duck tape
Lauren: Why did the robber go to the pizza parlor?
Tyler: I give up.
Lauren: He needed the dough.
Why was the centipede late for work?
It takes her so long to pick out all of her shoes.
What do monsters wear while playing outside?
The pilot of a crashing plane asked,
“Does anyone here pray?”
One woman said,
“I pray every day.”
The pilot said,
“Good, we’re short one parachute.”
Where’s the best place to learn to swim?
In the water
Austin: My paycheck is $100.00 short.
Glen: Your check last week was $100.00 over. Why didn’t you complain then?
Austin: I can live with a mistake, but this is twice in a row.
Alexandra: I always have a stomach ache for an hour after I get out of bed in the morning.
Doctor: Try waking up an hour later.
Ashley: There are three pieces of cake. I would like to have two.
Michael: Then just take one piece and cut it in half.
Where do rabbits shop for groceries?
At the hopping center
Who is the cleanest person in any fairy tale?
Where do fruits practice their musical instruments?
At jam sessions
What do you use to fix a broken ape?
A monkey wrench
Why do you put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because you can’t light them if you put them on the bottom.
Man at front door: I’m here to tune the piano.
Alexis: I didn’t call you.
Man: No, your neighbor did.
Matthew: If you have $10.00 in your left pocket and $10.00 in your right
pocket, what do you have?
Jim: Somebody else’s pants.
Proud mother: My son is only four years old and he can spell his name backward and forward.
Jessie: What’s his name?
Victoria: Can you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Dad: Of course not.
Victoria: Good, because I didn’t do my chores.
The workers at the U.S. Mint are unhappy with their jobs.
They are demanding to make less money.
Braggart: I shot all of the tigers in Texas.
Christopher: There aren’t any tigers in Texas.
Braggart: See, I told you. I shot them all.
What did the buffalo say to her son when he left on a trip?
How many planets are in the sky?
All of them