Park Ranger: This is a dogwood tree.
City Slicker: How can you tell?
Park Ranger: By its bark.
Gina: What kind of dog is that?
Junior: She’s a genuine police dog.
Gina: I’ve never seen a police dog that looked like that.
Junior: Sshh! She’s working undercover.
A fisherman carrying a big fish was walking down the street.
A passerby asked, “Where are you going with that fish?”
The fisherman said, “I’m taking him home to dinner.”
The fish popped up his head and said,
“I’ve already had dinner. Can we just rent a movie?”
Where’s the most likely place to find a haunted house?
On a dead end street.
What do they serve for dessert in a haunted house?
Hailey: What is that fly doing in my soup?
Madison: Looks like the backstroke.
What’s the hardest thing to sell to a ghost?
Maria: How did the bear get into the school?
Victoria: Through the front door.
What do people in Scotland call baby orange cats?
Jennifer: The kids in Italy are really smart.
Nicholas: Why do you say that?
Jennifer: Because even the youngest ones can speak Italian.
Daniel: The doctor gets snappy when no one is around.
Jose: She gets like that because she doesn’t have enough patients.
Alexis: What vegetable do you never want to see on a submarine?
Luis: A leek.
Sarah: Did you hear about the lady who lives on garlic alone?
Emma: Anyone who lives on garlic should live alone.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Troy: My puppy has swallowed my pen.
Veterinarian: Bring him over tomorrow morning.
Troy: Should I do anything in the meantime?
Veterinarian: Use a pencil.
Little Boy: Mom, can I have some more water?
Mom: More water? I brought you water three times tonight.
Little Boy: I know, but my room is on fire.
Juan: Yesterday there was a kidnapping down the street.
Carlos: I didn’t hear about that. What happened?
Juan: Not much. Around 3:00, his Mom woke him up.
How would a pig get to a hospital?
In a hambulance.
Jessica: If you had a quarter and you asked three of your
friends for another quarter each, how many quarters
would you have?
Sascha: One quarter.
Jessica: You don’t know your arithmetic very well.
Sascha: You don’t know my friends very well.
Ryan: If I had ten grasshoppers and you had ten crickets, and
we played a game of basketball, who would win?
Josh: I give up, who?
Ryan: I would win. You just gave up.
Why doesn’t the foal want to sing?
She’s a little hoarse.
How do you know if a hippo has been in your freezer?
Her footprints are in the ice cream.
How would you get down from a big elephant?
You don’t get down from elephants. You get down from ducks.
Carey: There are only two things that Liam won’t eat for dinner.
Claire: What are they?
Carey: Breakfast and lunch.
What time is it when ten foxes chase four rabbits?
Ten after four.
Ashley: What three words should you never say if you are being
chased by a bear?
Jacqueline: I give up.
There’s no reason to cry.
David: Can you describe what it feels like now that you
have shaved your head?
Matthew: Hair today, gone tomorrow.
What meows and has whiskers and 1,000 bones?
A cat who has eaten a bunch of sardines.
Langdon: What would you do if you found a vampire, a mummy,
a ghost and a witch standing on your front porch?
Glen: Hope it was Halloween.