Traveler: Do you eat spare ribs with your fingers?
Cannibal: No, I eat fingers later.
Why don’t skeletons have problems with their budgets?
Because they don’t have to worry about the cost of living.
Liz: I taught my dog how to play chess.
Glen: He must be pretty smart.
Liz: Not really. I win most of the time.
Madison: Can I have an extra large banana split with double
syrup and loads of whip cream?
Connor: Would you like a cherry on top?
Madison: No, thanks. I’m on a diet.
Who would give you honey in a haunted house?
What does a mummy ride through town?
Adonna: Did you take a bath last night?
Phil: Why? Is one missing?
Luis: Why did the elephant go to college?
Juan: He was tired of working for peanuts.
Matthew: Where do fish go on vacation?
Where does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary.
Monica: Does the roof always leak like this?
Ethan: Only when it’s raining.
Justin: I know the score of today’s football game before it starts.
Coach Joe: Really?
Justin: Sure, zero to zero.
How do you hide an elephant on a pool table?
Dress him in green clothes.
David: What do you have to know to teach a dog tricks?
Brianna: More than the dog.
Angel: They say swimming is one of the best exercises for losing weight.
Jonathan: I’m not sure about that. Have you ever seen a blue whale?
What’s as big as you are, but weighs nothing at all?
Matt: Nurse, I think I’ve got tomatoes growing out of my ears.
Nurse: Wow! Any idea how that happened?
Matt: I have no idea. I planted potatoes.
Ryan: Your car is pretty banged up. What happened?
Isabella: See that giant redwood tree over there?
Isabella: In the fog last night, I didn’t.
What’s the favorite breakfast drink in the haunted house?
Teacher: Didn’t you all promise to be good students?
Students: Yes, Ms. Erlanger.
Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you weren’t?
Students: Yes, Ms. Erlanger. But since we’ve broken our promise,
you don’t have to keep yours.
Jessica: Something happened to me last Tuesday that will never
happen to you even if you live to be one hundred.
Mom: What’s that?
Jessica: I turned twelve years old.
Who does the pig write to every day?
Her pen pal.
What do you call a surprise meal cooked by a Martian?
An unidentified frying object.
How do you know an elephant is hiding under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Why do some goats wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work.
Why do vampires drink blood?
Champagne is too expensive.
Doctor: Stick out your tongue and say ahhhh!
Andrea: Why? I’m not mad at you.
What would you call a gorilla wearing earplugs?
Anything you want. He can’t hear you.
Emma: Do you know the difference between a poisonous
snake and a loaf of bread?
Emma: That’s too bad. I was going to send you to the store
to pick up a loaf of bread.
What do you call a polar bear that stands seven
feet tall and weighs 600 pounds?