Ed: Can you go outside and see if it’s raining?
Carol: Wouldn’t it be easier to call Justin in and see if he’s wet?
Jasmin: Doc, I need help.
Psychologist: What’s wrong?
Jasmin: I think I’m a dog.
Psychologist: Lie down on the couch and we’ll talk about it.
Jasmin: I can’t. I’m not allowed on the furniture.
What’s a goblin’s favorite game? Hide and go shriek.
Langdon: I lost my cat.
Sharon: Did you put an ad in the paper?
Langdon: That wouldn’t help. She can’t read.
Mark: Yesterday I was face to face with a huge grizzly bear.
Mary: Tell me more.
Mark: I was all by myself. I didn’t have a gun or any other weapon.
The bear kept coming closer and closer.
Mary: What did you do?
Mark: I walked on down to the next cage.
What does it say on a robot’s tombstone? Rust in Peace.
Who guards the haunted house? The fright watchman.
Maria: What kind of orange would you find on a ship?
Jessica: A navel orange.
Carlos: Why can’t you be more like a shoe?
Juan: A shoe?
Carlos: Yeah, a shoe has a tongue, but it doesn’t say a word.
Nathan: Sometimes reading makes me hungry.
Aunt Barbara: When?
Nathan: When I’m reading a menu.
What do you do if a pig has a sore back?
Rub it down with oinkment.
Nicholas: I know Alexander the Great’s middle name.
Hannah: What was it?
Emily: Hot is faster than cold.
Madison: Why do you say that?
Emily: Because you can catch a cold.
A little girl came back from her first day in kindergarten.
“I’m not going back to school, ” she told her Mom. “Why is that?”
her Mom asked. The little girl answered, “I don’t know how to read,
I don’t know how to write and I’m not supposed to talk.
So what’s the use of going there?”
Two zookeepers were startled to find that there was a hungry tiger in the cage with them. “Don’t panic,” said the first zookeeper.
“The manual said that if we stand still, the tiger won’t think of us as prey. They only attack animals that run away.” The second zookeeper said,
“We’ve both read the manual, but how do we know the tiger has read the manual?”
Tyler: The water in the lake isn’t very deep.
Sarah: How do you know that?
Tyler: It only comes up halfway on the ducks.
Marg: How did you get that bump on your head?
John: I got hit by some peas.
Marg: How could peas give you such a big bump?
John: They were still in the can.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Jesus: Jumping into the Grand Canyon isn’t dangerous.
Luis: What makes you say that?
Jesus: The jumping in never hurts. It’s the sudden stop at the end that gets you.
Why did the boa constrictor and python fall in love?
They had a crush on each other.
Why won’t the skeleton visit the cemetery?
He doesn’t have any guts.
Hailey: Know what I saw in Sarah’s mouth yesterday?
Madison: No, what?
Hailey: Her teeth.
What vegetable do you find in your garden after a hippo runs through it?
Nicholas: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Connor: I don’t know.
Nicholas: Hold his nose.
Why isn’t a mouse’s tail twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Where do horses stay on their honeymoon?
In the bridle suite.
Baby Vampire: Daddy, how did you and Mommy meet?
Father Vampire: We met at a party. It was love at first bite.
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Ghost 1: What are you reading in the newspaper?
Ghost 2: My horror scope.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she changes it into a toad.