A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
(but it will eventually soil your palm).
A dog is a man’s best friend
(if the man isn’t much for conversation).
A friend who shares is a friend who cares
(unless she shares stuff she doesn’t like).
A leopard cannot change its spots
(but it can connect them with a magic marker).
A person can die just once
(which is one time too many).
After the feast comes the reckoning
(which is a fancy word for the catering bill).
All that glitters is not gold
(especially if you bought it from a street vendor).
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
(if the doctor has a fruit phobia).
Bad news travels fast
(especially when it’s inaccurate).
Barking dogs seldom bite
(but seldom isn’t the same as never).
Beauty is only skin deep
(according to unattractive people).
Better a live coward than a dead hero
(unless you’re a cannibal).
Better late than never
(unless you’re delivering blood for a transfusion).
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you
(because it’s usually your own).
Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched
(especially if you plan on having an omelette for dinner).
Don’t cry over spilled milk
(if it was past its “use by” date).
Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face
(but do cut off your nose if you’re Pinocchio and you need kindling).
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth
(unless you want to see big, yellow teeth).
Don’t put all of your eggs into one basket
(unless you only have one egg).
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise
(but also causes him to miss prime time television shows).
For age and want save while you may,
no morning sun lasts a whole day
(which is still no reason to believe you can save sunshine).
Good things come in small packages
(but really good things—like private jets—come in gigantic packages).
He who laughs last laughs best
(but might also be a bit slow).
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again
(to come up with reasons why it’s not your fault you failed).
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen
(until the air conditioner is repaired).
It is always darkest before the dawn
(if you haven’t paid your electric bill).
Lightning never strikes the same place twice
(so move your lightning rods regularly).
Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you
(may not be great advice, but it’s almost a tongue twister).
No pain, no gain
(means you should eat until your stomach hurts if you want to be a sumo wrestler).
Nothing hurts like the truth
(except realizing someone didn’t tell you the truth).
Old habits die hard
(so flush them down the toilet even after you think they have stopped breathing).
One person’s meat is another person’s poison
(so don’t sneak any meat from another person’s plate).
Practice makes perfect
(if you substitute enough letters).
Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me
(unless it’s the word “fire” when I’m in front of a firing squad).
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
(unless the tree is growing on a steep slope).
The best things in life are free
(if you have rich grandparents).
The early bird gets the worm
(but it’s also the first one bagged by a hunter).
The first step is always the hardest
(when you’re standing on the edge of a cliff).
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
(if your neighbor uses a lawn service).
The pen is mightier than the sword
(but not as good at scaring burglars).
The rich are just like you and I
(except they’re smarter).
The squeaking wheel gets the grease
(but it also gets replaced by a wheel that doesn’t squeak as much).
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach
(but that’s a pretty gross way to get there).
There’s no fool like an old fool
(because some old fools can be sold as antiques).
Those who forget the lessons of the past are doomed to repeat them
(and drive their history teachers crazy).
Two heads are better than one
(but they wreak havoc with your hat budget).
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
(or bitter, fearful, or angry).
You are never too old to learn
(but you can be too old to remember what you recently learned).
You can’t have your cake and eat it, too
(which is why you should eat other people’s cake).
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks
(unless it believes you are never too old to learn).